It’s challenging to adequately explain what someone does or does not deserve when it comes to their “worthiness” as a human being. It’s a subjective concept that until recently, I have understood to be in the hands of those around me; not on my own. I have had others determine my value as they see fit. Unfortunately, that hasn’t always worked as well as I had envisioned, and it has physically torn me down. I’ve allowed harmful people to stay in my life. I’ve allowed abusive words and actions from those that I loved because they were just showing me my worth, right?
I’ve gone through a lot of pain these past few/many months and as one result, I’ve learned that I have the ability to own my singularly decided worthiness. I have learned that when someone treats me like dirt, that is where they believe my worth lies.
And only I decide if I will accept that placement or not.
I only have words and actions to illustrate to those around me how I feel about them. I have learned that at a certain level, allowing anyone to harm me through their words or actions will inherently lower the worth that I place on my being. Although it may not be apparent to me at a conscious level, allowing others to be cruel is deeply impactful. No matter how tough the facade is on the surface, my self-worth diminishes and over time I believe my worth lies in their cruelty. Not to mention the physical breakdown that I’ve internally endured.
I’ve decided that no matter how close someone is to me if I allow them to harm me, I am harming myself. I am believing that I deserve to be treated like the dirt they believe I am worth. At the core, it is not very complicated. But this post is about how I’m working towards this understanding. Only I have the ability to decide how I am treated and therefore how much I believe I am worth.
Ramifications of taking this new approach will inevitably arise. I am deciding to take responsibility for the treatment I allow from others. But, I know that my soul will thank me for it and maybe one day I will believe I am worth more than any hurtful word that has been flung at me to push me down. My worth is not decided by others, my worth is my own to hold and it’s in my hands now.